Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 12:45:37 -0400 (EDT) From: "Doctor Bob"
To: TOURBUS@listserv.aol.com Subject: TOURBUS 10/24 - Jocularity! /~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~|~~~~~/~~~|~\ |____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____/ | \ | /_____|---\ / --T-H-E---I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T---T-O-U-R-B-U-S--> ///////| | | |///////| | ~~~/~~~\~/~~~\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/~~~\~~~~ \___/ \___/ "Why Surf When U Can Ride The Bus?" \___/ Today's Stop: Jocularity! No, it's not the Southern Word of the Day -- just an indicator of my general frame of mind at the moment. The dictionary reveals: Jocularity (noun) - a mood or temper characterized by joy and high spirits, usually manifested in laughter and merrymaking We'll jump in with both feet in just a moment, but first a message from one of the kind sponsors who make TOURBUS possible. ************************* MAKE THE LINK! **************************** Thomas P. Copley, Ph.D., teacher of the popular Go-pher-it Workshop, announces "Make the Link Workshop", an eight week course conducted by e-mail that introduces the beginner to the World Wide Web and enhances the skills of the more experienced user. "Make the Link" will focus on how to gain maximum advantage from this simple to use, yet very sophisticated Internet tool. In the workshop, you'll learn about these topics and much more: * How to gain access to the WWW (and set up SLIP/PPP accounts) * Navigating the Web with search tools like Lycos & WebCrawler * Designing a home page with HTML and installing it on the Web * Publicizing your home page through USENET, mailing lists, etc. The next Make the Link Workshop begins on October 30th, and the cost of the workshop is $20 US. To get more info on Make the Link Workshop, send a message to "email@example.com" with the line "subscribe links4b" in the BODY of the message. (omit quotes) ************************* MAKE THE LINK! **************************** Today the TOURBUS is going to stop at three destinations of extreme silliness, utmost hilarity and maximum joviality. So fasten your protective undergarments - we're off! Extreme Silliness ----------------- Our first stop is the Internet Lunch Counter, "The electronic age's equivalent of the cozy little takeout on the corner." They'll deliver a full lunch to your monitor 24 hours a day! Just click on "Place Your Order" and you'll be rewarded with a random lunch, complete with pictures good enough to eat. I just enjoyed a virtual feast of Diet Cherry Coke, Chicken Sandwich with Lettuce & Tomato, and Coconut Glazed Doughnuts. Ahhh, food good! At first you might be tempted to attribute some deep meaning to all of this, because it resides on a U.S. government computer, but try to resist this urge - especially because it resides on a U.S. government computer. You'll get the message after reading the disclaimer and comments from previous visitors. Stop by the Internet Lunch Counter for lunch today. It's on the Web at: http://speckle.ncsl.nist.gov/~lorax/lunchcounter.html Utmost Hilarity --------------- Next we'll hit the Evil Little Brother Excuse Generator, with customizable excuses for a variety of life's tough spots. This page greets you with a list of situations including: * Sorry I Burnt Down Your House * Forgive Me For Totaling Your Car * Didn't Mean to Kill your Pet * Had to Reformat your Hard Drive After selecting the particular jam from which you'd like to emerge victorious, you get to fill in the particulars - kinda like one of those Mad Libs where you have to cough up various parts of speech, anatomy and other assorted sundry. I chose the first selection, described my predicament with a few choice words, and the E.L.B.E.G hurled this at me: > I'm sorry I burnt the house down. > > I HAD JUST STARTED TO COOK YOUR FAVORITE DINNER, RACK OF WEASEL WITH A SIDE > OF BOILED MAROON GERBILS. ACCORDING TO THE RECIPE, I TURNED THE BURNER TO 42 > HUNDRED DEGREES. > > FOR SOME REASON, THE FOOD STARTED TO BURN. SO I THREW OUR OLD COPIES OF THE > THE DAILY RAG ON IT TO SMOTHER IT. FOR SOME REASON, THIS DID NOT WORK. > > SO, I STARTED TO BEAT THE FLAMES WITH OUR NEIGHBOR'S 9 MONTH OLD CHRISTMAS > TREE. FOR SOME REASON, IT TOO CAUGHT ON FIRE. > > FINALLY, I GRABBED A BUCKET LABLED "EXPERIMENTAL HIGH TEST PINTO JET FUEL" > AND TRIED TO DOUSE THE FLAMES WITH IT. THIS, UNFORTUNATELY, MADE THE FIRE > SPREAD INTO THE 2ND FLOOR. > > Well, at least I did all I could do... Need an excuse? give it a whirl at http://www.dtd.com/excuse Maximum Joviality ----------------- Remember the movie Airplane? Or was it Airport? Anyway, there's a hilarious scene where one of the Brady kids winds up translating for two guys who only speak Jive. It all came back to me when I found JiveWeb at: http://luke.lcs.mit.edu/~philg/jiveweb.html JiveWeb will take a Unix "man page", web document, or a string of text you provide and translate it to your choice of Jive, Valspeak, Newspeak, Australian, Drawl, German, Cockney, Ken, Finnish, Biffa, or New York dialects. I thought it might be fun to feed in the first few paragraphs from the TOURBUS web page and translate to Jive. Here's how it skakes out: > De Internet TourBus. Right On! > "Why surf when ya' kin ride da damn bus?" > > TOURBUS is an Internet Mailin' List brought t'ya' by de team uh > Patrick Douglas Crispen, creato' uh de popular ROADMAP series an' > "Docto' Bob" Rankin, columnist fo' Bo'dwatch Magazine an' audo' uh > "Accessin' De Internet By E-Mail". A ride on de TOURBUS promises > t'be some baaaad time, wif stops at dozens uh "must see" Internet > sites. What it is, Mama! If youse new t'de 'Net ya' should > considuh de TOURBUS required ridin'. An' even de old-timers gots'ta > find dis some valuable refreshuh course in whut's hot, whut's cool, > an' whut's plain fun in cyberspace. Right On! And with humble apologies to Patrick, here it is in Drawl: > The Internet TourBus! > "Why surf wheyun yawl can ride thuh bus?" > > TOURBUS iz an Internet Mailin' List brought tuh you by thuh team uh > Patrick Douglas Crispen, creator uh the popular ROADMAP series an > "Doctor Bob" Rankin, columnist fahwar Boardwatch Magazine an author > uh "Accessin' The Internet By E-Mail". A ride on thuh TOURBUS > promises tuh be uh good tom, with stops at dozens uh "must say" > Internet setes. If yore new tuh the 'Net yawl should consider thuh > TOURBUS required riding. And evun thuh old-timers will find thus uh > valuable refresher course in whut hot, whut cool, an whut plain fun > in cyberspace! I almost wet my pants when I read the Jive translation of the Unix man page for sendmail, so I won't print it here. But do give it a try when you're uhhh, adequately prepared! --Bob ====================================================================== SUBSCRIBE : Send SUBSCRIBE TOURBUS Firstname Lastname to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.AOL.COM unSUBSCRIBE: Send UNSUBSCRIBE TOURBUS to LISTSERV@LISTSERV.AOL.COM Web Site : http://csbh.mhv.net/~bobrankin/tourbus (stop in for back issues and the logo contest) Advertising: E-mail BobRankin@MHV.net w/ Subject: SEND TBRATES ====================================================================== Don't forget - only a few days to sign up for the MAKE THE LINK workshop! See info in the beginning of this message for details. TOURBUS - (c) Copyright 1995, Patrick Crispen and Bob Rankin All rights reserved. Redistribution is allowed only with permission.