TODAY'S TOURBUS TOPIC: FAQ-ARONI AND CHEEZE

Hi all! It's a new year, that means it's time again for the annual "TOURBUS Frequently Answered Questions" issue. Patrick and I have lots of fun stuff in store for you in 2002, but it's important to pause for a few moments and share in this warm fuzzy Q&A session.

Reading this entire issue is like eating your oatmeal - it's just the right thing to do. So just read it. If you make it all the way to the end, you can snack on some cheezie goldfish. Oh, and passing this issue along to a few friends would be a great way to introduce them to TOURBUS!

STEAK KNIVES NOT INCLUDED

In case you missed the last issue, I'm happy to announce availability of the Tourbus Archives (1995-2001) on CDROM! Now you can have over SIX YEARS of Tourbus newsletters at your fingertips, fully searchable and printable. Over 600 issues filled with advice, tips, tricks, and the offbeat humor of your friendly Bus drivers.

The regular price for this CDROM is $24.95, but if you purchase before January 7th, it can be yours for just $19.95. With this introductory offer, you save $5 and you'll also get a FREE bonus -- Doctor Bob's special report entitled "The Best of Everything". This report will show you where to find the absolute best websites in over a hundred categories. The best search engines, where to find shopping discounts and coupon codes, online newspapers, tips for wanna-be webmasters, how to open a web store, beat the spammers, access a database of urban legends, and lots more.

The Tourbus Archives is a valuable personal reference and makes a great gift too. I didn't expect this, but lots of readers have written to thank me for making this CD available, and many are ordering extra copies for friends. To order your Tourbus Archives CDROM and get your free copy of "The Best of Everything" click here:

http://www.internettourbus.com/cdrom.htm

WHAT *IS* TOURBUS?

TOURBUS is a free email newsletter published twice a week, and read by about 100,000 people in 130 countries around the globe. Your tour guides Bob Rankin and Patrick Crispen (also known as the "Click and Clack" of the online world) explain Internet technology in plain English, with a dash of humor. Since 1995, Tourbus riders have been getting the scoop on Search Engines, Spam, Viruses, Cookies, Urban Legends, and other topics. We also give you in-depth reviews of the most useful, fun and interesting sites on the Net.

WHO ARE THESE CLICK AND CLACK GUYS?

Bob Rankin, known as "Doctor Bob" in the online world, is a writer and computer programmer who enjoys exploring the Internet and sharing the fruit of his experience with others. Bob got a degree in Computer Science (RPI, 1984) and worked as a programmer at IBM for about 13 years. His work has appeared in Yahoo Internet Life, Boardwatch Magazine, ComputerWorld, NetGuide, NY Newsday, and other publications. Bob is Geek in Charge of Technical Stuff for FlowersFast.com and author of several computer books including "The No BS Guide to Red Hat Linux".

Patrick Douglas Crispen, known as "Patrick Douglas Crispen" in the online world, is author of the ROADMAP workshop, a Net tutorial that's been read by billions and billions. After spending many years as a professional college student at the University of Alabama, he graduated with a degree in Economics and then earned a Masters in Educational Technology at Pepperdine. Patrick is threatening to get a job but in the mean time, he is a web designer, lecturer and radio personality. Patrick is also author of the excellent book "Web Page Design" and serves as Internet Mythologist for WGN Radio (AM 720) in Chicago.

HOW DID I GET HERE?

You should really be asking your mother that question. Oh, you mean how did you get on the Tourbus mailing list? Well that's easy... You asked for a subscription, then you confirmed that request. That's the ONLY way ANYONE can get this newsletter. We NEVER add anyone without their permission. Both Bob and Patrick are vehemently anti-spam and tend to get "edgy" when people suggest otherwise. So don't.

Your e-mail address will not be revealed to anyone. We hate spam as much as you, so your e-mail address is safe with us. We don't sell or rent our mailing list to anyone - ever - really.

HOW MUCH DOES TOURBUS COST?

TOURBUS is absolutely free. All of the costs associated with keeping the TOURBUS on the road are paid by our sponsors. Each issue will contain short messages from our sponsors, like the ones you see above. So please visit our sponsors, buy lots of stuff from them, and tell them the TOURBUS brought you. :-)

WHEN IS TOURBUS PUBLISHED?

It's kind of hard to say. TOURBUS is, for the most part, distributed every Tuesday-ish and Thursday-ish.

---- ISH? ----

Well, sometimes we get 'em out on time, but more often than not, an issue is a day early or a day late. If you want to be technical (or at least statistical), you could say that TOURBUS has a probability distribution centered around Tuesday and Thursday, with a standard deviation of a day or two. :)

IS THERE AN ARCHIVE OF PAST TOURBUS ISSUES?

Yep! You can find about two months of TOURBUS back issues on the TOURBUS website here:

Tourbus Website - http://www.internettourbus.com

If you'd like to have the complete TOURBUS Archives (over 600 issues, dating back to 1995) on CDROM, then click here:

Tourbus Archives - http://www.internettourbus.com/cdrom.htm

HOW CAN MY FRIENDS SUBSCRIBE TO TOURBUS?

Just tell 'em to visit the TOURBUS website at

Tourbus Website - http://www.internettourbus.com

and fill in the subscription form for a free subscription.

HOW DO I CHANGE MY EMAIL ADDRESS, CANCEL OR SUSPEND MY SUBSCRIPTION?

Just visit the TOURBUS website, click on SUBSCRIBE, and you can do all of those fun and exciting things.

THIS IS GETTING A BIT LONG - DO I HAVE TO KEEP READING?

Yes. If you stop now, you'll miss out on the Cheezie Goldfish.

WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS JUMBLE AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH ISSUE?

It's a bus - a TOURBUS actually. To get the most out of TOURBUS, you should use a monospace font like Courier. Most email programs let you change the inbox font, but one notable exception is AOL for Windows. You want help changing the font in your email program? I charge $100/hour and I'm slow. You're better off reading the Help screen, trust me.

Someday we may offer an HTML version of TOURBUS which will solve this problem for most people. Then we'll be able to control the fonts from here, as well as add nifty graphics and lots of blinking gadgets and other annoying stuff to the TOURBUS mailings.

WHY DO THE WEB LINKS IN TOURBUS LOOK SO FUNNY?

When we put a website link in the TOURBUS newsletter, we want you to be able to just click and go directly to it. The format we normally use looks like this:

Yahoo! - http://www.yahoo.com

This allows 99.44% of our readers to get a clickable hotlink. Yes, we know that some people see TWO hotlinks, and some see the "raw" HTML codes, but this seems to work for almost all readers, and almost all email programs. If you don't like it, have another bowl of oatmeal.

HOW DID THE TWO OF YOU MEET?

Well, actually, we've never met. We've exchanged hundreds of e-mails and a couple dozen phone calls over the past few years. Bob thinks Patrick might have been the tall guy who put his seat ALL THE WAY BACK on that flight from Chicago to Philly, but he can't prove it.

PATRICK KEEPS MENTIONING "SQUIRRELS" IN HIS TOURBUS POSTINGS. WHAT'S THE STORY?

The number one cause of power outages in the USA? The weather (electrical storms, snow, etc.). The number two cause? Squirrels!

You don't believe it? Just go to the University of Alabama! It seems that the squirrels living in the trees on the campus of the University of Alabama have developed quite a taste for power lines... especially for the power lines leading into the University's mainframe computer center (if you are not electrically inclined, let me just add that energetic squirrels and power lines do not mix well).

Back when he was running the Roadmap workshop in 1994, Patrick was really concerned that if the University of Alabama's mainframe was taken down by a squirrel (which was a regular occurrence at the time) and he was not able to deliver that day's Roadmap lesson to the 64,000 people in the workshop, the participants would panic and mailbomb him with 64,000 "where is today's lesson?" messages.

By telling the subscribers up front to expect a squirrel attack, he kept himself from being mailbombed, elevated Alabama's squirrels to Net-legend status (people around the world were even rooting for the squirrels), and gained a really neat "trademark."

WHAT ABOUT THE SOUTHERN WORDS OF THE DAY?

TOURBUS subscribers send them in to Patrick, and he publishes the best ones in his Thursday issues. Since Bob is a Northerner (where people talk right) you won't see the SWOTD in the Tuesday editions. You can find all the archived Southern Words at this web address:

SWOTD Archive - http://www.netsquirrel.com/crispen/word.html

If you don't think the Southern Words are funny, you really need to eat more oatmeal.

WILL MICROSOFT REALLY PAY ME $243 TO FORWARD A SILLY CHAIN LETTER?

No. We debunk a lot of urban legends, hoaxes and bogus virus warnings on TOURBUS, but I still get a bunch of emails every day asking if the FREE MONEY FROM BILL GATES, SICK CHILD or STOLEN KIDNEY stories are really true. Of course they're not. Please check the TOURBUS archives to get the scoop on these stories if you're ever tempted to write and ask. You can also check out Patrick's Urban Legend Combat Kit at

UL Combat Kit - http://www.netsquirrel.com/combatkit

And if you're as tired of these things as I am, and you want to read something REALLY FUNNY, I've got a couple of treats for you...

WARNING, DANGER! - http://www.internettourbus.com/warning.txt

CHEEZIE GOLDFISH - http://www.internettourbus.com/cheezie.htm

Have fun, laugh heartily, and feel free to pass 'em along. See you next time! --Bob Rankin